the christmas heist

1 -- Int. Interrogation Cell -- 1

Black screen.

INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
When did the obsession start?

Fade in on the interrogation cell, shot from the perspective of a camera recorded for the purposes of an interview. There are no windows.. SCHROEDER, dressed in a gray prisoner's uniform, paces. He is being interviewed by the off-screen INTERVIEWER. He considers the question.

SCHROEDER
Probably when I was around four.

INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
Four?

SCHROEDER gives a little chuckle and continues.

SCHROEDER
Yeah, around there. I mean, I grew up in a company town in North Carolina, and I was a member of a largely poor society. I just- I dunno. I just didn't feel like I belonged.

INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
You don't have a Southern accent.

SCHROEDER (thoughtfully)
Yeah, people would say that about me. It was one of the reasons I never really felt at home. I just... I longed for wealth, and I was violent about it sometimes.

INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
Did people around you seem troubled at all?

SCHROEDER
Not really.

Quick cut to...

2 -- Day -- Int. Mall -- 2

Title fades up: "1986".

Several CHILDREN stand in line to visit SANTA, who sits in a large, wooden chair surrounded by hokey fake snow. YOUNG SCHROEDER is second in line, very excited. His MOTHER is with him.

MOTHER
Excited to see Santa, Schroeder?

YOUNG SCHROEDER
Yeah!

The BOY in front of SCHROEDER goes up to SANTA and sits on his lap.

SANTA
Ho ho ho! What's your name, little boy?

BOY
John, sir.

SANTA
Well, John, what do you want for Christmas this year?

BOY
I'd like the new G.I. Joe action figure, Santa!

SANTA holds up a long scroll of paper, he makes a mark.

SANTA
I'll see what I can do for you, John.

BOY
Thank you, sir.

The BOY jumps off and runs off to his mom. YOUNG SCHROEDER runs up and sits on SANTA's lap.

SANTA
Hello, little boy. What's your name?

YOUNG SCHROEDER
Schroder!

SANTA
And what do you want for Christmas this-

YOUNG SCHROEDER
(cutting him off) I want six million dollars in small, unmarked bills.

SANTA pauses, unsure of himself. He looks over to YOUNG SCHOEDER's MOTHER. She gives him an encouraging nod.

SANTA
Well, Schroeder, I'll see what I can do.

YOUNG SCHROEDER does not leave. He looks expentantly at SANTA.

SANTA
Yes?

YOUNG SCHROEDER
Aren't you gonna write it down?

SANTA
Oh, yes, right away.

He picks up the list and marks something down.

YOUNG SCHROEDER does not leave.

YOUNG SCHROEDER
You know, Santa, I asked for the same thing last year.

SANTA
Oh?

YOUNG SCHROEDER (suddenly in a rage)
YEAH! SO WHERE'S MY MONEY, YOU CHEAP SON OF A-

OPENING CREDITS ROLL.

3 -- Night -- Street 1 -- 3

We are in a bustling metropolis, late at night. It is raining, but clearly cold. People are bundled up.

A young, BLIND WOMAN hurries out of her apartment building. She wears black glasses, carrying a white cane. She hurries down the sidewalk.

4 -- Night -- Ext. Armored Car -- 4

An armored car speeds down another street.

5 -- Night -- Int. Armored Car -- 5

Two men are in the car. The GUNMAN on the passenger side is armed.

Suddenly, the BLIND WOMAN appears in front of the car through the windshield. The DRIVER slams on the brakes.

6 -- Night -- Street -- 6

The armored car swerves, its wheels unable to grip the wet street. It narrowly misses the BLIND WOMAN, but as it flies across the intersection it is hit by an SUV coming from the left. The armored car smashes into what appears to be a large store at the corner of the intersection, breaking the windows.

Pan up to reveal that the store is a bank.

7 -- Night -- Int. Security Room -- 7

In the bank's security room, a GUARD is speaking frantically into a walkie-talkie while intently watching a series of monitors displaying the events as they are seen through several security cameras.

GUARD
Yes, sir. An armored truck just went straight through the glass. Yes, an SUV hit it. I don't think it's a set-up, it looks just like an honest... Wait, someone's getting out of the SUV.

He pauses, looking at the screen. At first he is confused, and then he comes to a realization.

GUARD (exasperated)
Oh, sh-

8 -- Night -- Int. Bank -- 8

BILL, who was driving the SUV, wears a face mask so he cannot be seen. He carries a handgun.

BILL
Nobody move! Hey, driver-boy. Get the hell out of the truck!

The DRIVER of the truck steps out, and BILL walks forward, seemingly unaware of the GUNMAN who was also in the truck.

9 -- Night -- Int. Bank Boiler Room -- 9

SANDY bursts into the door of the boiler room of the bank, holding a briefcase. He places it on the ground, taking out a drill. He runs over to the wall and puts on a pair of safety glasses. Standing on a chair, he begins drilling until he hits a series of wires. He takes another device out of the briefcase, and trips over a coffee table. Standing up, he holds the device to the wires. It lets out a quiet whine. SANDY pulls out a walkie-talkie.

SANDY (into the walkie-talkie)
I've got it.

HARRIS (from the walkie-talkie)
Good...

10 -- Night -- Int. Construction Building -- 10

Inside a building that is clearly under construction, HARRIS lays prone with binoculars, looking into the building. He continues to talk into the walkie-talkie.

HARRIS
...now wait for my cue.

11 -- Night -- Int. Bank -- 11

Inside the lobby, BILL takes the keys of the truck and runs up to it. Suddenly, the GUNMAN appears from behind the truck.

GUNMAN
Stop right there.

BILL freezes, looking as if he is caught.

GUNMAN
Drop the gun.

BILL (shakily)
Alright.

BILL spins around quickly and fires, but the GUNMAN is quicker. Several bullets are fired from his machine gun. Blood explodes from BILL's chest where he is shot.

12 -- Night -- Int. Construction Building -- 12

HARRIS watches BILL fall through his binoculars.

HARRIS (into his walkie-talkie)
Now!

13 -- Night -- Int. Bank Boiler Room -- 13

SANDY cuts a wire in the boiler room.

14 -- Night -- Int. Security Room -- 14

The GUARD watching the gun fight unfold on his screen suddenly sees them dissolve to static.

GUARD
Oh, crap. (into walkie-talkie) Sir, the burglar is down, but a bullet must've hit a wire. All I've got is static. Yes, sir. I understand.

15 -- Night -- Int. Men's room -- 15

SCHROEDER, in a business suit, is in the men's room of the bank. From an earpiece, he hears SANDY's voice.

SANDY
Schroeder, you're good to go.

SCHROEDER walks quickly out of the men's room.

16 -- Night -- Int. Bank Hallways -- 16

SCHROEDER walks down the hallways of the bank, coming to the vault. He snaps on a pair of rubber gloves and cracks his knuckles.

17 -- Night -- Int. Bank -- 17

JOHANNA, a customer in the bank, runs over to BILL, feeling for a pulse.

JOHANNA
My god... he's still alive. I'm calling an ambulance!

18 -- Night -- Int. Construction Building -- 18

HARRIS sees JOHANNA calling.

HARRIS (into walkie-talkie)
Johanna's calling now, Josh, get going.

Sirens are heard in the distance.

HARRIS
The police are coming, too. Get going.

19 -- Night -- Int. Bank -- 19

SCHROEDER, with a briefcase and a backpack, comes into the lobby of the bank, immediately blending in with the few customers in the lobby.

Outside, an ambulance screeches to a stop. Two PARAMEDICS jump out, bearing a stretcher. They run to BILL.

PARAMEDIC 1
Is anyone else hurt?

No one answers.

PARAMEDIC 1
Okay.

They grab BILL and put him on the stretcher, rushing him back into the ambulance. It peels off, it's siren blaring.

The CUSTOMERS' shock begin to wear off. They begin murmuring amongst themselves. SCHROEDER talks to one of the TELLERS.

SCHROEDER
Have you ever seen anything like this?

TELLER
Never in my life.

SCHROEDER
I'm getting out of here before something else happens.

The TELLER chuckles as SCHROEDER exits.

20 -- Night -- Int. Construction Building -- 20

HARRIS watches through his binoculars as SCHROEDER exits the building and drives off.

HARRIS (into his walkie-talkie)
Bill, Josh, you all set?

21 -- Night -- Int. Ambulance -- 21

JOSH takes out the walkie-talkie as BILL stands up off the stretcher, ripping off a bullet-proof vest. BILL grins.

JOSH (into the walkie-talkie)
Yeah, we're cool.

22 -- Night -- Int. Construction Building -- 22

HARRIS
Alright, great.

23 -- Night -- Int. SCHROEDER's Car -- 23

SCHROEDER
Take five, people. That's a wrap.

the christmas light fiasco

1 -- Fairview -- Twighlight -- Ext. Neighbor's Home -- 1

Extremely tight on a single green Christmas lightbulb, the camera zooms out to reveal that the Christmas light is hung on a tree next door to PAUL LEETS' house. It is, as most Christmas lights are, on a string of lights, draped with care on a pine tree. The whole NEIGHBOR's house is lit up. Zoom out very slowly as NEIGHBOR and PAUL talk.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Hey, Paul! Check out my lights. Just got 'em up. What do ya' think?

PAUL (V.O.)
Looks great, Steve. I'm just gonna get mine up now.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Think you're gonna top me? (chuckles)

PAUL (V.O.)
(laughing, obviously annoyed) I dunno, Steve. I got some pretty great lights planned this year.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Still, I mean. Look at this. The electric bill will cost me a fortune.

PAUL (V.O.)
Well, we went for quality, not quantity.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You sayin' mine are of low quality?

PAUL (V.O.)
Course not, Steve. I'm just sayin', ours won't cost much, but it'll still be as fantastic.

As zoom out continues, a bird sits on the branch, then flies off.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You'll need a great show to be as fantastic as me, Paul.

PAUL (V.O.)
(Chuckles) I think I've got it in me.

NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
(Skeptical) Good luck to ya'.

PAUL (V.O.)
Thanks, Steve.

Footsteps are heard in the snow, then Paul mutters.

PAUL (V.O.)
Freak.

Cut to PAUL, dragging out a cardboard box, labeled "X-Mas Lights".

A fresh snow is on the ground, and he is dressed very warmly. His house is well-lit, but the rest of the neighborhood is abound in all sorts of Christmas-y decorations.

He sets the box down with several similar other ones, on the curb. His house is in the background. He looks around at his neighborhood.

PAUL
All right, let's show this neighborhood how Paul Leets puts up Christmas lights.

Suddenly, MOBSTER 1 appears, dressed in all black and a ski mask, running at PAUL from behind. Seconds after he appeared and seconds before he would have hit PAUL, a van appears in front of the camera, its door is heard sliding open on the far side.

As MOBSTER 1 hits PAUL (off-screen) a grunt is heard from both parties. There is a thump as they both collapse into the van (for a second time, off-screen) and the van door slams shut (would ya know it? off-screen). The van peels off.

OPENING CREDITS ROLL

2 -- Early Night -- Ext. Street Corner -- 2

A quiet street corner, the only two people on it two LOVERS, holding hands and appreciating the snow.

The van slides wildly around the corner, screeching off-screen.

3 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 3

The interior of the van contains three MOBSTERS and PAUL. MOBSTER 2 sits at the wheel, MOBSTER 3 in the passenger side. The seats behind them are pulled down, leaving an empty space. PAUL is seen struggling to get out of the duct tape that MOBSTER 1 is deftly and quickly restraining him with. PAUL makes muffled sounds; duct tape has already been placed over his mouth. MOBSTER 1 continues to restrain him as MOBSTER 2 leans back to talk.

MOBSTER 2
(to PAUL, leaning back in his seat to look at him) So, Johny the Snitch. Good luck telling the police about this little endeavor.

PAUL makes a few muffled screaming noises, probably "What the hell are you talking about?"

MOBSTER 2
(gives a little chuckle) I thought you'd say that.

MOBSTER 3
Do I turn here?

MOBSTER 2
What? Here. Let me see the map.

MOBSTER 2 studies the map.

MOBSTER 2
Okay, no. Just keep going until you hit Joseph Boulevard, then you make a left.

MOBSTER 1 takes out from a dark corner of the van a large metal ball tied to a rope. PAUL looks at in fear.

4 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 4

Wide angle shot of a snowy bridge. The van drives pulls up.

5 -- Early Night -- Ext. Van -- 5

Low shot of the back of the van: the only thing seen is the van's tires and the bumper. A bumper-sticker reads "Life: It's a gift, not a choice" in a clearly pro-life demonstration. A mother is on it, holding a baby.

The driver's-side door opens, and MOBSTER 3 steps out, his feet the only part of him seen. The back door opens up and MOBSTER 1's feet steps out. MOBSTER 3's feet walk over to help him.

PAUL's feet come out, bound with duct tape and tied to the metal ball, he struggles. He is dragged to the left and off screen by MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3.

6 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 6

High above the bridge, a 90-degree look down at a bird's eye view of MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 dropping PAUL into the river. He splashes down into the river, MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 rush back into the van and drive off.

7 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 7

The MOBSTERS all look satisfied as they drive off.

MOBSTER 1's cell phone rings.

MOBSTER 1
(picks up cell-phone) Hello? (pause) Who is this? (pause) Johny? Johny the Snitch? (pause) But didn't we just...?

He puts down the phone, not hanging up.

MOBSTER 1
Crap.

8 -- Night -- Underwater -- 8

It is very dark.

A school of fish is seen drifting on-screen before they dart off, alerted to PAUL's presence.

PAUL drifts on screen, thrashing at the chains dragging him down.

He sinks off-screen into the depths.

9 -- Night -- The River -- 9

A ship moves by, belching black smoke into the air.

10 -- Night -- Ext. Fishing Ship -- 10

CREW MEMBER 1 walks quietly along the boat, he is the only one on the whole deck of the dark ship. He takes out a cigarette, lights up, and casually exhales smoke rings into the night air.

He is bundled up in a dark coat, his face unshaven. He wears a dark hat, and has an overall disheveled look to him.

He casually glances around, looking at the banks of the river.

Seemingly satisfied, he whistles.

The ship is suddenly a mess of activity, men jostling around getting ready for the night's work: namely, fishing. Pan right, towards the back of the ship. Three men throw a net over the edge of boat, pulling it up to see some wriggling fish, they dump the fish on deck and other men struggle to grab their flopping forms to shove them into plastic grocery bags, which are in turn hastily stuffed into old cardboard boxes. Two men bearing hand trucks stack the boxes and bring them down below the deck.

The three men prepare for another haul, and this time they have difficulty bringing up their load, it is clearly weighed down by some unknown load.

Finally heaving it up, the bound form of PAUL falls to the deck with a thump. He is unconscious but alive.

No one on the ship bats an eye, their work not about to be disturbed by this. They continue their work.

Zoom slowly in on PAUL. With the hustle and bustle around him continuing.

Suddenly, a sharp whistle is heard. Cut to a wide-angle shot of the boat. A police siren is heard.

The crew panics, knowing they have been spotted. They begin tossing boxes overboard and throwing their nets over as well. Everything that could be potentially evidence they try to lose. CREW MEMBER 2 picks up PAUL and drags him down below deck.

11 -- Night -- Int. Fishing Ship Hallway -- 11

A crowded, harshly lit interior is seen. Crew members scramble about the narrow hallway.

CREW MEMBER 2 drags PAUL down the steps, not careful at all about his welfare. PAUL's head is bumped numerous times, perhaps a box of fish dropped on him in the confusion. PAUL is finally pulled into a doorway.

12 -- Night -- Int. Captain's Quarters -- 12

A sparsely furnished room: a table and a couch, a couple of maps strewn about. Beer bottles are everywhere.

CREW MEMBER 2 pulls PAUL in and heaves him onto a couch. PAUL opens his eyes and immediately begins to struggle to free himself from his duct tape bonds.

CREW MEMBER 2 rummages through a desk, finally pulling out a large, worn, flip-out fishing knife.

Cut to his hand holding it up. He presses a button and the knife flips out; switch focus to PAUL, whose face turns to panic as he lets out a muffled scream.

Cut to black.

13 -- Night -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 13

DIRECTOR'S NOTE: The next scene is a parody of the Saw movies and should be portrayed as close to the horror films as possible until the arrival of COP 2.

Still black.

COP 1 (V.O.)
(As if he is the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw movies) I want to play a game with you, Paul.

Harsh lights come on, revealing that PAUL is in a grimy, gray-green interrogation room. COP 1 is off-screen.

He tries to move, but a pair of handcuffs bind him to the chair, as well as leg-cuffs.

PAUL
(frightened) Why am I hear? What are you?

Pan left, revealing a Kermet the frog puppet (substituting for the "Billy" puppet used by the Jigsaw Killer), controlled by the off-screen COP 1, whos is not visible until COP 2 enters.

PUPPET (Voiced by COP ONE)
I would quite dearly love to explain myself, Paul, but we are pressed for time. You have spent your life fishing in polluted waters, and now we will see whether you are prepared to eat one of your own specimens.

The PUPPET reaches down below the table and brings up a fish. He places it on the grimy table in front of PAUL.

PUPPET
Eat up...

PAUL
(In a panic) WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PUT UP MY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!

PUPPET
Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more.

PAUL
What? Why would eating fish make me grateful to live?

PUPPET
Uh... well, if you don't, electricity will flow through the handcuffs and kill you.

PAUL
WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?

PUPPET
Live or die, Paul, make your choice.

PAUL
How can I eat it if I'm chained? (struggles to move mouth down to the fish) I can't even reach it!

PUPPET
Well, then I guess you die.

The puppet moves over to a little switch on the table, preparing to flick it.

PAUL
No, please, don't! I'll... (the PUPPET continues towards the switch) NO! NOOOO!

Suddenly, the door opens, revealing behind it a bright, bustling police station. COP 2 stands in the doorway, looking at the scene in front of him. He holds a file folder.

COP 2
Fred! What the hell do you think you're doing?!

COP 1 stands up revealing all along that he has been controlling the puppet. He looks, embarrassed, at COP 2.

COP 1
Sorry. I just like to mess with them.

He gives a sheepish laugh and makes an awkward exit.

COP 2
Sorry 'bout that, buddy.

COP 2 looks into the file folder, reading over what PAUL has done.

COP 2
Ah... the fish merchant. We've been trying to nab you for quite a while. What's your name?

PAUL
Paul Leets, sir.

He looks around.

COP 2
Paul, eh? Would you like something to drink?

PAUL
Please.

COP 2
I don't have anything to drink. You know, you've been the captain of a boat that has been feeding people illegally fished seafood that were from poisoned, polluted waters. What do you have to say for yourself?

PAUL
What? I was just- Look, I was in the river, and I got fished!

COP 2
Why were you swimming in the river in the first place?

PAUL
I wasn't. I was drowning! I would've died!

COP 2
What? You can't swim?

PAUL
(struggling for the words) Mobsters! I got kidnapped by mobsters, who duct taped me, weighted me down, and threw me in the river!

COP 2
This is ridiculous. Look, you're under arrest, so-

PAUL
Wait! Please. Just... let me think. I just need a second to think.

There is a pause. Something dawns upon him.

PAUL
My neighbor! I was with him only a half hour ago; he was talking about the Christmas lights I was putting up. I couldn't have piloted the boat if I was with him.

COP 2
Fine. What's his number?

PAUL
343-668-3648

COP 2 writes it down. He goes to exit.

PAUL
Does that door lock from the outside?

COP 2
Yes... why?

PAUL
Could you do something about these cuffs? They're too tight, and it's not like I can escape anyway.

COP 2
Oh, he did those again? Sorry, they're normally not used. I'll get it.

He leans down and unlocks PAUL, and then opens the door. From the door, he delivers his line.

COP 2
I'll just call this guy. What did you say his name was?

PAUL
Steve. Steve Gates.

COP 2
Got it.

He exits

14 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 14

COP 2 enters the bustling police station from the interrogation room. He walks over to his desk. JANET, another cop sitting across from him, looks up with interest.

JANET
What's with the fish guy?

COP 2
I'm not sure. I'm gonna call this number he gave me, and then I'll see if he's telling the truth.

JANET
What's he saying?

COP 2
Something about mobsters or something. I dunno. He says he was framed, but he's either a terrible liar, or he's telling the truth. I mean, why would someone fabricate a story like this?

JANET
Well, call the number.

COP 2 picks up the phone and dials.

COP 2
It's ringing.

There is a pause.

COP 2
Yes, is this Mr. Gates? Yes, hello. My name is Allan Jones, I'm calling from the Fairview Police Station. No, no, nothing like that. We haven't actually seen your daughter here in a while, Mr. Jones. (He winks at JANET) Yes, you too. Keep up the good work. Anyway, we have a neighbor of yours down here, the name's Leets. Yes, Paul. About half an hour ago, did you see him? Where? (He writes something down) Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Gates. Merry Christmas. Bye.

He hangs up.

JANET
Well...?

COP 2
The story checks out. I'm gonna let him out.

JANET
Great.

She returns to her work. COP 2 walks back towards the interrogation room.

15 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 15

PAUL paces, nervous.

He mutters to himself.

PAUL
Am I really going to do this? Yes. I am. They'll never know. I'll be out of here in no time. I didn't even do anything. I can't do this, I just can't. Oh... what can I do?

He falls to his knees in agony, the door begins to open.

16 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 16

COP 2 opens the door and walks in.

COP 2
Paul, I've got some good news.

He shuts the door behind him.

17 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 17

COP 2 walks in. He looks around.

COP 2
Paul?

Suddenly, PAUL rushes forward from the shadows behind the door. He grabs the officer's gun, raises it, and clicks off the safety catch.

PAUL
(smiling) That's right.

18 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 18

JANET is still at her desk, and the police station is still bustling.

The door to the interrogation room opens, and PAUL steps out, looking around.

PAUL
(muttering) Okay, okay... you can do this. Just stay calm.

He walks deliberately towards the door.

JANET looks up at him.

JANET
Who are you? Why are you wearing Al's uniform.

PAUL keeps walking, ignoring her.

PAUL
(to himself) Stay... calm...

JANET
Hello?

Suddenly PAUL reaches for his gun, raises it, and fires. There is pandemonium. JANET is shocked. PAUL sprints for the window.

PAUL
This kind of thing always works in the movies...

He leaps at the window. He bounces off with a resounding thud.

Moaning, he manages to run out the door.

19 -- Ext. Police Station -- Night -- 19

PAUL runs outside. He whistles.

PAUL
Taxi!

A taxi comes to screeching halt. He jumps into it. It peels off.

20 -- Streets of Fairview -- Int. Taxi -- 20

PAUL looks through the rear window, looking at the police officers in the street.

DRIVER
Whereto?

PAUL
Anywhere but here!

The driver grunts.

DRIVER
You got money?

PAUL
What?!

DRIVER
The "anywhere but here"-type never has any money. You got money?

PAUL frantically reaches into his pockets. A look of disappointment crosses his face.

21 -- Midnight -- Alley -- 21

The taxi screeches to a halt. Through strings of swearing, we can hear PAUL.

PAUL
Okay, okay. Fine. I'm going.

He gets out of the car, walking into an alley.

Two men are down on the other end of they alley. One is selling the other drugs.

PAUL
Oh, great.

They look at him.

PAUL
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Don't mind me...

He looks down at his uniform.

PAUL
Oh, come on...

The two men rip out guns. PAUL runs out of the alley.

22 -- Fairview -- Street -- 22

PAUL sprints away as the MOBSTERS follow him. He yells to the GANGSTERS.

PAUL
You don't understand! All I'm trying to do is put up my Christmas lights!

He runs down the street and spots a trolley, leaping onto it.

23 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 23

PAUL looks out at the gangsters, happily watching them retreat into the distance.

The trolley driver, JEAN, is behind him. No one is at the wheel of the trolley.

JEAN
Good evening.

PAUL turns around, surprised.

PAUL
Oh, hello.

There is an awkward silence. PAUL continues.

PAUL
Paul Leets.

He raises his hand for JEAN to shake, but JEAN takes it and raises it to his lips to kiss. PAUL is a bit nervous.

JEAN
Harris is the name. Jean Harris.

PAUL
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Harris.

JEAN
Please, Mr. Harris was my father. Call me Dr. Harris.

PAUL
Eh... shouldn't you be driving the trolley?

JEAN
Hardly. This thing drives itself. I just choose when to stop.

He wanders up to the front. PAUL follows. JEAN pats the trolley fondly.

JEAN
So. What brings you too my neck of the woods?

PAUL
Oh. Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say long story, but it has to do with me trying to put up Christmas lights.

JEAN
I understand completely.

There is a pause.

PAUL
To be honest, I didn't even know that Fairview had a trolley system.

JEAN is shocked

JEAN
What?

PAUL
I was just saying... I never realized we had a trolley here.

JEAN turns around, looking completely deranged.

JEAN
Ah... I suppose that is not an uncommon, in such a large city.

He begins walking back. PAUL backs away, groping behind him to avoid running into things.

JEAN
Wait, though. This isn't a large city! It seems, then, that you should know it exists.

JEAN rips out a switchblade. PAUL looks more frightened. They continue their journey backwards.

JEAN
But then again, it's only been around for a hundred and thirty years.

He flips out the blade.

JEAN
You're done, Leets. The Harris family has been driving the Fairview trolley for five generations. You insult us.

PAUL
I'm- I'm new to this town! I swear.

JEAN
You liar! You've been living here ever since you married Jamie, sixteen years ago.

PAUL (stammering)
How did you know that?

JEAN
Don't you remember, Paul? All those years ago...

PAUL hits the back of the trolley. He is terrified.

PAUL
WHAT?

JEAN (maliciously)
We've never met! I was just GUESSING!

He swings the knife, and PAUL leaps out of the back of the trolley. He falls to the ground.

24 -- Night -- Another Street -- 24

PAUL falls to the ground. He is clearly shaken up.

25 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 25

JEAN looks angry, and then begins laughing. His friend GEORGE pops out from under a seat. He is laughing also.

GEORGE
Dude, Jean! That was hilarious! Why the hell did you kiss his hand?

JEAN
I dunno.

GEORGE
I call I get the next one.

They laugh.

26 -- Night -- The Street -- 26

It is snowing.

PAUL stands up.

PAUL
What the heck is with this night? I can't think of a worse thing that could happen.

He tenses up.

PAUL
Oh, man. Whenever they say that on sitcoms something bizarre happens.

Suddenly, a car looms up from behind him. Just before he gets hit, cut to...

27 -- Dawn -- Int. Bedroom -- 27

The phone is ringing.

JAMIE groans and gropes over to her end table. She picks the phone up.

JAMIE
Hello? Yes, this is she. Again? Yes, yes. We'll be right there.

She looks unconcerned as she mutters to herself.

JAMIE
Oh, Paul...

She walks out the door.

28 -- Dawn -- Int. Hall -- 28

JAMIE
Kids! Dad got in some kind of accident.

JORDAN
Again?

29 -- Morning -- Ext. Paul's House -- 29

The family walks out: JORDAN, JAMIE, and NATALIE. NATALIE, a little girl of about five, looks over at the boxes marked "X-Mas Lights".

NATALIE
Man! I can't believe dad didn't get the lights up!

The car pulls off.

30 -- Morning -- Ext. Neighbor's House -- 30

PAUL'S NEIGHBOR walks out of his house in a bathrobe, leaning to pick up the newspaper in the fresh snow. He looks over at PAUL's house.

NEIGHBOR (to himself, sarcastically)
Yeah, nice lights.

CREDITS ROLL

THE END

grinch

1 -- Int. Grinch Home -- 1
Seen is the disgusting GRINCH homestead, clothes thrown about, broken glass on the floor, old bowls of cereal sitting serenely atop stacks of newspaper that are reporting events clearly far too old to be recent (i.e. "Man invents telephone!").

Pan left, catching every inch of the house's interior in all of its unhygienic splendor.

BOOK ON TAPE begins to speak as a narrator would, and starts as the camera begins to
pan.

BOOK ON TAPE (V.O.)
Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas alot.

MAX, the GRINCH's dog, walks by, sniffing at an old sandwich. He displays a look of disgust and continues n.

BOOK ON TAPE (V.O.)
But the Grinch who lived just North of Who-ville, did NOT!

A bird smacks into one of the few grimy windows.

BOOK ON TAPE (V.O.)
The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

The camera continues to pan.

BOOK ON TAPE (V.O.)
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

GRINCH interrupts quickly and angrily after "may have been...". His voice gives us the idea that he is drunk, and it makes it virtually impossible to hear the rest of the line.

GRINCH (V.O.)
WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!

As he finishes, the camera finally pans to the BOOK ON TAPE on the extreme left part of the screen. It is a cheap black tape player, its griminess matching the rest of the cave. GRINCH smashes the tape player with a half-empty brown bottle of beer. The BOOK ON TAPE begins to squeak mercilessly.

Pan left a bit farther to reveal the back of the back of the chair that the GRINCH sits in. He yells in frustration before grabbing the tape player. As he hurls it against the wall the camera cuts to a shot from the angle of the wall. Seen is the tape player flying at the camera, which smashes just above the camera.

The shards of plastic settle before the GRINCH rises. The camera pans to follow him. He stumbles towards the kitchen, mumbling about how stupid the whole idea of a tape player is, and how they make out all Grinches to be uncivil, living in a cave (This muttering must be at relatively audible, otherwise audiences will criticize the fact that the GRINCH does not live in a cave).

Cut to the kitchen, the GRINCH stumbles in. He yanks his refrigerator door open, in the process ripping the entire door off. He shouts a series of expletives before slamming the door onto the floor, he kicks it extremely hard, injuring his foot.

He grabs his foot with his hands, clearly in pain. This is a mistake. He loses his balance, hopping backwards on one foot twice before beginning to fall backwards. He crashes through the flimsy screen-door of his house.

2 -- Ext. Grinch Home -- 2

A small, filthy yard is revealed, gray-brown snow on the ground. Patches of grass poke through it. To the left is a large hill leading down to Who-ville below.

The GRINCH smashes through the door, tripping down off of his creaky wooden deck that is complete with a few grimy, white, plastic lawn chairs.

He falls to the ground, spread-eagle. Cut to a shot directly above him as he stares upwards, past the camera.

Christmas carols are heard in the background, sung by some of the WHO's.

The GRINCH begins to look angrier as the seconds pass. As the song ends, he shouts.

GRINCH
I... HATE... CHRISTMAS!

He holds the "a" in "Christmas" for a second or two.

OPENING CREDITS ROLL HERE

3 -- Who-ville -- Center of Town -- 3

Seen is the center square of Who-ville, the view is from above it, zooming in slowly. Stores line every inch of the square's perimeter, all the stores with Christmas lights in their window's, full of fake snow. Crowds of WHO's move from shop to shop, browsing. They bear shopping bags full of gifts, wear cutesy Santa Hats. Some sit on benches with their loved ones or significant others, some admire the huge trees decorated with care.

Fresh snow is on the ground, covering everything. Children enjoy the snowfall by indulging in snowball fights.

A reporter talks to her camera, holding a microphone. Various WHO's are behind her, waving at the camera and being stupid.

REPORTER
(has hand on earpiece, takes it off as she begins talking) I couldn't put it better myself, Jim. As you can see, the little Who boys and girls are out in full force today. If we could just...

She wades awkwardly through the sea of WHO's that has accumulated throughout the beginning of her short speech. She is clearly frustrated as, by the time she gets to the location she was traveling to, the crowd is blocking her.

REPORTER
(growing more and more frustrated) I'm just... Well, there was a really fantastic snowball fight going on here, but... well, these nice people just decided... you know... (at the end of her rope). Well, let's just see what we have going on in this little shop.

She has difficulty maneuvering to the shop next to her, which turns out being a service station. MOONSHINER, appearing to be an ordinary WHO but for a slightly more disheveled look, leans against a dumpster, smoking.

REPORTER
(glances around, completely fed up.) Well, that's all from town square! This has been Lucy Who, Who-ly News, Who-ville.

CAMERAMAN
And... we're off.

The REPORTER hits herself repeatedly on the head with a microphone.

Pan to the gas station.

4 -- Who-ville -- Ext. Gas Station -- 4

Cut what was the far corner of the gas station, town square now to the extreme right side of the shot.

MOONSHINER, seen previously leaning against the dumpster now on the far side of the gas station, walks towards what is now the nearest corner. The GRINCH is leaning against the side wall of the gas station, the MOONSHINER leans against the front wall.

MOONSHINER
(discreetly, to GRINCH) You got the money?

The GRINCH drops a bill of currency, in view of the MOONSHINER, who looks at it before walking back to behind the gas station. The GRINCH picks up the money before following MOONSHINER. He stumbles slightly.

5 -- Who-ville -- Behind Gas Station -- 5

The GRINCH pulls out a small stack of bills, handing it to MOONSHINER, who counts it.

GRINCH
(as MOONSHINER is counting) I hate prohibition. Alcohol never (drunk hiccup) hurt anyone.

MOONSHINER grunts and put the money in his back pocket. He reaches into his jacket and proceeds to pull out two paper bags, both of which contain a largish glass bottle (each of which are not visible, but the shape of the bag gives them away.) The GRINCH glances into both before putting them into his coat. The MOONSHINER walks one way, towards the square, and the GRINCH walks the opposite way, towards a dimly lit back alley behind the stores.

6 -- Who-ville -- Alley next to town square -- 6

To the right are a few dilapidated houses, to the left are the backs of the various stores. This part of town is more depressing; the snow is a dirty gray, various garbage cans lie around, some of them spilled onto the ground. A few rats scurry about; crows sit in trees.

The GRINCH walks down the street a small way before four POLICEWHO's on motorcycles quickly descend upon him. They each wear a visored helmet. The GRINCH looks frightened.

POLICEWHO 1
Open your jacket.

GRINCH
No... I don't...

POLICEWHO 2
Sir, we're gonna need you to-

GRINCH
(stepping back) I'm not gonna...

POLICEWHO 3 and POLICEWHO 4 grab him, and POLICEWHO 2 reaches into his jacket, pulling out the paper bags. He rips out a bottle.

POLICEWHO 2
Well, well...

GRINCH
I swear, I was just going to-

POLICEWHO 2 hurls the bottle at the asphalt, it shatters. The GRINCH falls to his knees, pushed by POLICEWHO 3.

GRINCH
Please, just...

POLICEWHO 2 pulls out a baton, bringing it back behind him before bringing it crashing down. Just before it hits, however, cut to...

7 -- Ext. Grinch Home -- 7

In place of where the baton would have hit the GRINCH, the GRINCH slams the screen door shut from the inside. He stumbles into his home.

8 -- Int. Grinch Home -- 8

The GRINCH continues to stumble about, heading for the kitchen. His face is seen as the camera cuts to a kitchen shot; he is looking slightly worse for the wear. He is completely beat up.

He opens the freezer door (the refrigerator side door has been jimmied back on with the use of duct tape), and pulls out ice, spilling much of it on the floor. He swears and drops the rest of the ice on the floor. He rummages through a few cabinets, breaking some glasses in the process. He finally finds a plastic bag and fills it with ice. He stumbles through his living room to a sofa, collapsing on it and putting the bag of ice to his head.

He flips on the television. An advertisement comes on.

ANNOUNCER
Are you the kind of Who where everything seems to go right, but you can never seem to convince people of it? What you need is this QuickCapture Goody-Goody Camera! It straps directly to your arm, and when ever anything good is happening, it senses your quickened pulse and begins to record. (more quickly) Disclaimer: it also may record activities in which physical stress is present. Consult your doctor for more information.

The GRINCH breaks out into a string of swearing as the camera fades out.

"People Are Strange" by The Doors is heard.

9 -- Who-ville -- Various Shops -- 9

Scenes 9, 10, and 11 are all part of a montage scene showing the GRINCH preparing to "steal" Christmas. He is incredibly drunk and throughout should be stumbling wildly, laughing at random, and yelling at innocent children.

"People Are Strange" continues to play in the foreground throughout as well.

The GRINCH purchases the following items from various shops. The director should use his best judgment as to what order.

• Duct Tape


• Reindeer Hat


• Santa Outfit


• 9mm Pistol, ammunition, and silencer


• Scaling Rope


• Large Red Bag (similar to that of Santa Clause's bag full of toys)

10 -- Ext. Grinch Home -- 10

Late afternoon, sun is low in the sky.

The GRINCH stumbles towards his front door, weighed down by the burden of his purchases that are all in the bag.

It is snowing.

11 -- Int. Grinch Home -- 11

The GRINCH stumbles inside and drops his bag next to the kitchen table.

He quickly surveys the mess on the table and uses a single arm to shove everything off to the ground.

Cut to a shot next to the table, angle up to see everything being shoved off, heading towards the camera, burying it.

Cut back to the previous shot. The GRINCH empties his bag onto the table. MAX wanders over, and the GRINCH quickly grabs the dog and duct tapes the reindeer hat to his head. He breaks into a maniacal laugh as the camera fades out.

In a few seconds, "People Are Strange" ends.

12 -- Who-ville -- Who neighborhood -- 12

Above a picturesque WHO neighborhood. It is still snowing; the sun has set. It is clearly night.

Zoom slowly on the neighborhood, moving down the street. Lights go off in various windows.

The GRINCH moves down the street, a dark figure in his Santa suit carrying his bag. As usual, he is drunk. He stumbles towards a dark house, MAX trailing behind him, the reindeer hat still on him.

13 -- Who-ville -- Above WHO House 1 -- 13

Tight shot on the edge of the snowy WHO house, as if the camera is sitting on the roof.

The anchor of the GRINCH's scaling rope flies up, hitting the roof with a clunk. It slides down to catch on the gutter.

14 -- Who-ville -- Ext. WHO House 1 -- 14

Wide-shot of the WHO house, the GRINCH can be seen climbing up on the scaling rope he just threw. On the ground below him is his bag, a rope leads from it to the GRINCH. MAX wanders around the yard aimlessly.

Zoom in as he reaches the top. He takes the rope leading to the bag from his belt and pulls the bag up with it.

He throws the bag into the chimney and jumps after it, leaving his scaling rope hanging off the side of the house.

15 -- Who-ville -- Int. WHO House 1 -- 15

A picturesque interior. The house is well-furnished, but not gaudily so. Two candles burn on the mantelpiece, suppling the only light. A Christmas tree is seen, it has clearly been decorated with care. Light Christmas music is heard.

The GRINCH comes sliding down the chimney.

He stumbles quickly over to the tree and starts grabbing all the stockings on the mantelpiece, shoving them into his bag. After he finishes, he moves over to the Christmas tree, beginning to drag it towards the door. He stops for a second, exhausted. He looks over at the candles. He pauses, and then an evil grin spreads across his face.

"I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones comes on in the foreground, introducing another montage.

16 -- Who-ville -- Ext. WHO House 1 -- 16

The GRINCH's head pops out of the chimney, blackened with soot. He heaves his bag onto the roof before jumping out after it. Smoke from the chimney is subtly noticeable.

He throws his bag off the roof before jumping out after it, landing in the snow. He stands up.

Cut to a shot directly behind him, the house in the background, out of focus. He is looking at the house. He turns around, his face still in focus. He puts on an evil grin and walks off-screen, the house comes into focus, a blaze can be seen raging through the window.

17 -- Who-ville -- Ext. WHO House 2 -- 17

Two propane tanks sit next to the house. Inside, a Christmas tree can be seen through a bay window.

Two silenced pistol shots are heard from off-camera, hitting the propane tanks. They erupt in flame. The window breaks.

Cut to the GRINCH, who is shoving a new clip into his pistol and laughing hysterically. He picks up his bag and runs off. MAX follows him.

18 -- Who-ville -- Int. WHO house 3 -- 18

Distorted through a clear glass vase, the GRINCH can be seen armed with a baseball bat. He swings through, smashing the vases, revealing another picturesque little WHO home. The GRINCH destroys as much as he can with his bat (paintings, lamps, etc.)

19 -- Who-ville - Int. WHO house 4 -- 19

The GRINCH breaks into the window of another WHO home. He grabs the top of the Christmas tree and begins dragging it towards the door, but is interrupted by little CINDY-LOU WHO, who is dressed in a night gown. She looks at him, confused.

Dialogue continues over music.

CINDY-LOU WHO
Santy Claus, why, why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?

GRINCH
(feigning sweetness) Why, if it isn't little Cindy-Lou Who. I'm just bringing the tree back to my shop to fix a short in the lights.

She seems satisfied with this answer. The GRINCH continues after a pause.

GRINCH
Do you want a drink of water, sweety?

CINDY-LOU WHO nods, a little tentative now.

The GRINCH walks to the kitchen and puts the drain stop in before turning on the water. He walks back in to the living room, walking over to CINDY. He is suddenly in a rage.

GRINCH
(shouting at CINDY-LOU) I'LL GIVE YOU A DRINK OF WATER!

He picks her up, she begins screaming. He drags her to the kitchen and holds her head under the water. She struggles for a few seconds before going limp. He lets her collapse to the floor.

The camera stays tight on CINDY as the GRINCH walks out, laughing.

She opens her eyes.

Music continues.

20 -- Who-ville -- Center of town -- 20

The GRINCH stumbles through the center of the town, laughing, spinning around, flailing his arms, etc. As the camera zooms out, we see the town is in bad shape, smoldering shells of houses are commonplace, cars are turned over, Christmas trees litter the street. The lights in a store blink.

Fade out, music fades out.

21 -- Ext. Grinch Home -- 21

A shot of the GRINCH home, covered in a fresh batch of white, clean snow. Birds can be heard chirping. It is late morning.

22 -- Int. Grinch Home -- 22

Light streams in the window.

The GRINCH is seen snoring, slumped across an armchair, looking disheveled. He is still in his Santa suit.

MAX wanders over, licking the GRINCH on the face.

The GRINCH wakes up suddenly, falling to the floor. He swears.

He wanders over to the kitchen, taking out a beer from his refrigerator. He walks out the front door.

23 -- Ext. Grinch Home -- 23

The GRINCH walks out the front door. He walks over to the edge of the hill, looking at an aerial view of Who-ville. He admires the destruction he caused on the previous night's rampage.

He turns to go back inside when the sound of music drifts lightly towards him. He turns around to look at the source, and sees a single WHO in the middle of the Town Square, singing. A few Who's join him, and now it is obvious that they are singing a Christmas carol. More WHO's begin to flood in.

Cut to a tight shot on the GRINCH's face. After a short pause he sniffs, and a single tear drops down his face.

Cut to a tight shot from the angle of the ground. The tear hits it, and suddenly the back of the GRINCH can be seen, sprinting towards Who-ville.

24 -- Who-ville -- Center of Town -- 24

The carolers are now in full force, hundreds of WHO's forming a circle centered in the square. The GRINCH bursts from the alley and falls down. He picks himself up quickly and runs towards the center of the square. He bursts through the circle of carolers. They stop, staring at him.

He falls to his knees.

GRINCH
(yelling) I'm sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! I'm... I'm sorry!

He collapses into tears.

There is a silent pause, with no sound but the GRINCH's sobbing. A single WHO walks over to him, patting him on the back.

A WHO begins clapping.

Two or three join him before the entire circle bursts into astonished applause.

Pan around behind all of the carolers, the camera moving in a circle. The GRINCH can be seen, the single WHO still comforting him. The GRINCH rises, slowly. The applause dies down.

Cut to a shot of the GRINCH and the single WHO, still standing next to him, comforting him. The WHO slowly stops, walking back to his spot in the circle peacefully.

Tight on the GRINCH, who begins smiling, wiping a tear from his face.

Suddenly, a gunshot rings out. The GRINCH looks stunned, and he falls down to off-screen.

In the background, CINDY-LOU WHO is seen, holding a shotgun. She has a satisfied grin on her face.

Cut to an aerial shot of Who-ville, zoom out slowly.The body of the GRINCH can be seen in the snow, red snow surrounding him. The WHO's continue caroling, CINDY LOU-WHO joins the circle.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

CREDITS ROLL

THE END