the christmas light fiasco
1 -- Fairview -- Twighlight -- Ext. Neighbor's Home -- 1
Extremely tight on a single green Christmas lightbulb, the camera zooms out to reveal that the Christmas light is hung on a tree next door to PAUL LEETS' house. It is, as most Christmas lights are, on a string of lights, draped with care on a pine tree. The whole NEIGHBOR's house is lit up. Zoom out very slowly as NEIGHBOR and PAUL talk.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Hey, Paul! Check out my lights. Just got 'em up. What do ya' think?
PAUL (V.O.)
Looks great, Steve. I'm just gonna get mine up now.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Think you're gonna top me? (chuckles)
PAUL (V.O.)
(laughing, obviously annoyed) I dunno, Steve. I got some pretty great lights planned this year.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Still, I mean. Look at this. The electric bill will cost me a fortune.
PAUL (V.O.)
Well, we went for quality, not quantity.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You sayin' mine are of low quality?
PAUL (V.O.)
Course not, Steve. I'm just sayin', ours won't cost much, but it'll still be as fantastic.
As zoom out continues, a bird sits on the branch, then flies off.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You'll need a great show to be as fantastic as me, Paul.
PAUL (V.O.)
(Chuckles) I think I've got it in me.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
(Skeptical) Good luck to ya'.
PAUL (V.O.)
Thanks, Steve.
Footsteps are heard in the snow, then Paul mutters.
PAUL (V.O.)
Freak.
Cut to PAUL, dragging out a cardboard box, labeled "X-Mas Lights".
A fresh snow is on the ground, and he is dressed very warmly. His house is well-lit, but the rest of the neighborhood is abound in all sorts of Christmas-y decorations.
He sets the box down with several similar other ones, on the curb. His house is in the background. He looks around at his neighborhood.
PAUL
All right, let's show this neighborhood how Paul Leets puts up Christmas lights.
Suddenly, MOBSTER 1 appears, dressed in all black and a ski mask, running at PAUL from behind. Seconds after he appeared and seconds before he would have hit PAUL, a van appears in front of the camera, its door is heard sliding open on the far side.
As MOBSTER 1 hits PAUL (off-screen) a grunt is heard from both parties. There is a thump as they both collapse into the van (for a second time, off-screen) and the van door slams shut (would ya know it? off-screen). The van peels off.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL
2 -- Early Night -- Ext. Street Corner -- 2
A quiet street corner, the only two people on it two LOVERS, holding hands and appreciating the snow.
The van slides wildly around the corner, screeching off-screen.
3 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 3
The interior of the van contains three MOBSTERS and PAUL. MOBSTER 2 sits at the wheel, MOBSTER 3 in the passenger side. The seats behind them are pulled down, leaving an empty space. PAUL is seen struggling to get out of the duct tape that MOBSTER 1 is deftly and quickly restraining him with. PAUL makes muffled sounds; duct tape has already been placed over his mouth. MOBSTER 1 continues to restrain him as MOBSTER 2 leans back to talk.
MOBSTER 2
(to PAUL, leaning back in his seat to look at him) So, Johny the Snitch. Good luck telling the police about this little endeavor.
PAUL makes a few muffled screaming noises, probably "What the hell are you talking about?"
MOBSTER 2
(gives a little chuckle) I thought you'd say that.
MOBSTER 3
Do I turn here?
MOBSTER 2
What? Here. Let me see the map.
MOBSTER 2 studies the map.
MOBSTER 2
Okay, no. Just keep going until you hit Joseph Boulevard, then you make a left.
MOBSTER 1 takes out from a dark corner of the van a large metal ball tied to a rope. PAUL looks at in fear.
4 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 4
Wide angle shot of a snowy bridge. The van drives pulls up.
5 -- Early Night -- Ext. Van -- 5
Low shot of the back of the van: the only thing seen is the van's tires and the bumper. A bumper-sticker reads "Life: It's a gift, not a choice" in a clearly pro-life demonstration. A mother is on it, holding a baby.
The driver's-side door opens, and MOBSTER 3 steps out, his feet the only part of him seen. The back door opens up and MOBSTER 1's feet steps out. MOBSTER 3's feet walk over to help him.
PAUL's feet come out, bound with duct tape and tied to the metal ball, he struggles. He is dragged to the left and off screen by MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3.
6 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 6
High above the bridge, a 90-degree look down at a bird's eye view of MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 dropping PAUL into the river. He splashes down into the river, MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 rush back into the van and drive off.
7 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 7
The MOBSTERS all look satisfied as they drive off.
MOBSTER 1's cell phone rings.
MOBSTER 1
(picks up cell-phone) Hello? (pause) Who is this? (pause) Johny? Johny the Snitch? (pause) But didn't we just...?
He puts down the phone, not hanging up.
MOBSTER 1
Crap.
8 -- Night -- Underwater -- 8
It is very dark.
A school of fish is seen drifting on-screen before they dart off, alerted to PAUL's presence.
PAUL drifts on screen, thrashing at the chains dragging him down.
He sinks off-screen into the depths.
9 -- Night -- The River -- 9
A ship moves by, belching black smoke into the air.
10 -- Night -- Ext. Fishing Ship -- 10
CREW MEMBER 1 walks quietly along the boat, he is the only one on the whole deck of the dark ship. He takes out a cigarette, lights up, and casually exhales smoke rings into the night air.
He is bundled up in a dark coat, his face unshaven. He wears a dark hat, and has an overall disheveled look to him.
He casually glances around, looking at the banks of the river.
Seemingly satisfied, he whistles.
The ship is suddenly a mess of activity, men jostling around getting ready for the night's work: namely, fishing. Pan right, towards the back of the ship. Three men throw a net over the edge of boat, pulling it up to see some wriggling fish, they dump the fish on deck and other men struggle to grab their flopping forms to shove them into plastic grocery bags, which are in turn hastily stuffed into old cardboard boxes. Two men bearing hand trucks stack the boxes and bring them down below the deck.
The three men prepare for another haul, and this time they have difficulty bringing up their load, it is clearly weighed down by some unknown load.
Finally heaving it up, the bound form of PAUL falls to the deck with a thump. He is unconscious but alive.
No one on the ship bats an eye, their work not about to be disturbed by this. They continue their work.
Zoom slowly in on PAUL. With the hustle and bustle around him continuing.
Suddenly, a sharp whistle is heard. Cut to a wide-angle shot of the boat. A police siren is heard.
The crew panics, knowing they have been spotted. They begin tossing boxes overboard and throwing their nets over as well. Everything that could be potentially evidence they try to lose. CREW MEMBER 2 picks up PAUL and drags him down below deck.
11 -- Night -- Int. Fishing Ship Hallway -- 11
A crowded, harshly lit interior is seen. Crew members scramble about the narrow hallway.
CREW MEMBER 2 drags PAUL down the steps, not careful at all about his welfare. PAUL's head is bumped numerous times, perhaps a box of fish dropped on him in the confusion. PAUL is finally pulled into a doorway.
12 -- Night -- Int. Captain's Quarters -- 12
A sparsely furnished room: a table and a couch, a couple of maps strewn about. Beer bottles are everywhere.
CREW MEMBER 2 pulls PAUL in and heaves him onto a couch. PAUL opens his eyes and immediately begins to struggle to free himself from his duct tape bonds.
CREW MEMBER 2 rummages through a desk, finally pulling out a large, worn, flip-out fishing knife.
Cut to his hand holding it up. He presses a button and the knife flips out; switch focus to PAUL, whose face turns to panic as he lets out a muffled scream.
Cut to black.
13 -- Night -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 13
DIRECTOR'S NOTE: The next scene is a parody of the Saw movies and should be portrayed as close to the horror films as possible until the arrival of COP 2.
Still black.
COP 1 (V.O.)
(As if he is the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw movies) I want to play a game with you, Paul.
Harsh lights come on, revealing that PAUL is in a grimy, gray-green interrogation room. COP 1 is off-screen.
He tries to move, but a pair of handcuffs bind him to the chair, as well as leg-cuffs.
PAUL
(frightened) Why am I hear? What are you?
Pan left, revealing a Kermet the frog puppet (substituting for the "Billy" puppet used by the Jigsaw Killer), controlled by the off-screen COP 1, whos is not visible until COP 2 enters.
PUPPET (Voiced by COP ONE)
I would quite dearly love to explain myself, Paul, but we are pressed for time. You have spent your life fishing in polluted waters, and now we will see whether you are prepared to eat one of your own specimens.
The PUPPET reaches down below the table and brings up a fish. He places it on the grimy table in front of PAUL.
PUPPET
Eat up...
PAUL
(In a panic) WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PUT UP MY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!
PUPPET
Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more.
PAUL
What? Why would eating fish make me grateful to live?
PUPPET
Uh... well, if you don't, electricity will flow through the handcuffs and kill you.
PAUL
WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?
PUPPET
Live or die, Paul, make your choice.
PAUL
How can I eat it if I'm chained? (struggles to move mouth down to the fish) I can't even reach it!
PUPPET
Well, then I guess you die.
The puppet moves over to a little switch on the table, preparing to flick it.
PAUL
No, please, don't! I'll... (the PUPPET continues towards the switch) NO! NOOOO!
Suddenly, the door opens, revealing behind it a bright, bustling police station. COP 2 stands in the doorway, looking at the scene in front of him. He holds a file folder.
COP 2
Fred! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
COP 1 stands up revealing all along that he has been controlling the puppet. He looks, embarrassed, at COP 2.
COP 1
Sorry. I just like to mess with them.
He gives a sheepish laugh and makes an awkward exit.
COP 2
Sorry 'bout that, buddy.
COP 2 looks into the file folder, reading over what PAUL has done.
COP 2
Ah... the fish merchant. We've been trying to nab you for quite a while. What's your name?
PAUL
Paul Leets, sir.
He looks around.
COP 2
Paul, eh? Would you like something to drink?
PAUL
Please.
COP 2
I don't have anything to drink. You know, you've been the captain of a boat that has been feeding people illegally fished seafood that were from poisoned, polluted waters. What do you have to say for yourself?
PAUL
What? I was just- Look, I was in the river, and I got fished!
COP 2
Why were you swimming in the river in the first place?
PAUL
I wasn't. I was drowning! I would've died!
COP 2
What? You can't swim?
PAUL
(struggling for the words) Mobsters! I got kidnapped by mobsters, who duct taped me, weighted me down, and threw me in the river!
COP 2
This is ridiculous. Look, you're under arrest, so-
PAUL
Wait! Please. Just... let me think. I just need a second to think.
There is a pause. Something dawns upon him.
PAUL
My neighbor! I was with him only a half hour ago; he was talking about the Christmas lights I was putting up. I couldn't have piloted the boat if I was with him.
COP 2
Fine. What's his number?
PAUL
343-668-3648
COP 2 writes it down. He goes to exit.
PAUL
Does that door lock from the outside?
COP 2
Yes... why?
PAUL
Could you do something about these cuffs? They're too tight, and it's not like I can escape anyway.
COP 2
Oh, he did those again? Sorry, they're normally not used. I'll get it.
He leans down and unlocks PAUL, and then opens the door. From the door, he delivers his line.
COP 2
I'll just call this guy. What did you say his name was?
PAUL
Steve. Steve Gates.
COP 2
Got it.
He exits
14 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 14
COP 2 enters the bustling police station from the interrogation room. He walks over to his desk. JANET, another cop sitting across from him, looks up with interest.
JANET
What's with the fish guy?
COP 2
I'm not sure. I'm gonna call this number he gave me, and then I'll see if he's telling the truth.
JANET
What's he saying?
COP 2
Something about mobsters or something. I dunno. He says he was framed, but he's either a terrible liar, or he's telling the truth. I mean, why would someone fabricate a story like this?
JANET
Well, call the number.
COP 2 picks up the phone and dials.
COP 2
It's ringing.
There is a pause.
COP 2
Yes, is this Mr. Gates? Yes, hello. My name is Allan Jones, I'm calling from the Fairview Police Station. No, no, nothing like that. We haven't actually seen your daughter here in a while, Mr. Jones. (He winks at JANET) Yes, you too. Keep up the good work. Anyway, we have a neighbor of yours down here, the name's Leets. Yes, Paul. About half an hour ago, did you see him? Where? (He writes something down) Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Gates. Merry Christmas. Bye.
He hangs up.
JANET
Well...?
COP 2
The story checks out. I'm gonna let him out.
JANET
Great.
She returns to her work. COP 2 walks back towards the interrogation room.
15 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 15
PAUL paces, nervous.
He mutters to himself.
PAUL
Am I really going to do this? Yes. I am. They'll never know. I'll be out of here in no time. I didn't even do anything. I can't do this, I just can't. Oh... what can I do?
He falls to his knees in agony, the door begins to open.
16 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 16
COP 2 opens the door and walks in.
COP 2
Paul, I've got some good news.
He shuts the door behind him.
17 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 17
COP 2 walks in. He looks around.
COP 2
Paul?
Suddenly, PAUL rushes forward from the shadows behind the door. He grabs the officer's gun, raises it, and clicks off the safety catch.
PAUL
(smiling) That's right.
18 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 18
JANET is still at her desk, and the police station is still bustling.
The door to the interrogation room opens, and PAUL steps out, looking around.
PAUL
(muttering) Okay, okay... you can do this. Just stay calm.
He walks deliberately towards the door.
JANET looks up at him.
JANET
Who are you? Why are you wearing Al's uniform.
PAUL keeps walking, ignoring her.
PAUL
(to himself) Stay... calm...
JANET
Hello?
Suddenly PAUL reaches for his gun, raises it, and fires. There is pandemonium. JANET is shocked. PAUL sprints for the window.
PAUL
This kind of thing always works in the movies...
He leaps at the window. He bounces off with a resounding thud.
Moaning, he manages to run out the door.
19 -- Ext. Police Station -- Night -- 19
PAUL runs outside. He whistles.
PAUL
Taxi!
A taxi comes to screeching halt. He jumps into it. It peels off.
20 -- Streets of Fairview -- Int. Taxi -- 20
PAUL looks through the rear window, looking at the police officers in the street.
DRIVER
Whereto?
PAUL
Anywhere but here!
The driver grunts.
DRIVER
You got money?
PAUL
What?!
DRIVER
The "anywhere but here"-type never has any money. You got money?
PAUL frantically reaches into his pockets. A look of disappointment crosses his face.
21 -- Midnight -- Alley -- 21
The taxi screeches to a halt. Through strings of swearing, we can hear PAUL.
PAUL
Okay, okay. Fine. I'm going.
He gets out of the car, walking into an alley.
Two men are down on the other end of they alley. One is selling the other drugs.
PAUL
Oh, great.
They look at him.
PAUL
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Don't mind me...
He looks down at his uniform.
PAUL
Oh, come on...
The two men rip out guns. PAUL runs out of the alley.
22 -- Fairview -- Street -- 22
PAUL sprints away as the MOBSTERS follow him. He yells to the GANGSTERS.
PAUL
You don't understand! All I'm trying to do is put up my Christmas lights!
He runs down the street and spots a trolley, leaping onto it.
23 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 23
PAUL looks out at the gangsters, happily watching them retreat into the distance.
The trolley driver, JEAN, is behind him. No one is at the wheel of the trolley.
JEAN
Good evening.
PAUL turns around, surprised.
PAUL
Oh, hello.
There is an awkward silence. PAUL continues.
PAUL
Paul Leets.
He raises his hand for JEAN to shake, but JEAN takes it and raises it to his lips to kiss. PAUL is a bit nervous.
JEAN
Harris is the name. Jean Harris.
PAUL
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Harris.
JEAN
Please, Mr. Harris was my father. Call me Dr. Harris.
PAUL
Eh... shouldn't you be driving the trolley?
JEAN
Hardly. This thing drives itself. I just choose when to stop.
He wanders up to the front. PAUL follows. JEAN pats the trolley fondly.
JEAN
So. What brings you too my neck of the woods?
PAUL
Oh. Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say long story, but it has to do with me trying to put up Christmas lights.
JEAN
I understand completely.
There is a pause.
PAUL
To be honest, I didn't even know that Fairview had a trolley system.
JEAN is shocked
JEAN
What?
PAUL
I was just saying... I never realized we had a trolley here.
JEAN turns around, looking completely deranged.
JEAN
Ah... I suppose that is not an uncommon, in such a large city.
He begins walking back. PAUL backs away, groping behind him to avoid running into things.
JEAN
Wait, though. This isn't a large city! It seems, then, that you should know it exists.
JEAN rips out a switchblade. PAUL looks more frightened. They continue their journey backwards.
JEAN
But then again, it's only been around for a hundred and thirty years.
He flips out the blade.
JEAN
You're done, Leets. The Harris family has been driving the Fairview trolley for five generations. You insult us.
PAUL
I'm- I'm new to this town! I swear.
JEAN
You liar! You've been living here ever since you married Jamie, sixteen years ago.
PAUL (stammering)
How did you know that?
JEAN
Don't you remember, Paul? All those years ago...
PAUL hits the back of the trolley. He is terrified.
PAUL
WHAT?
JEAN (maliciously)
We've never met! I was just GUESSING!
He swings the knife, and PAUL leaps out of the back of the trolley. He falls to the ground.
24 -- Night -- Another Street -- 24
PAUL falls to the ground. He is clearly shaken up.
25 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 25
JEAN looks angry, and then begins laughing. His friend GEORGE pops out from under a seat. He is laughing also.
GEORGE
Dude, Jean! That was hilarious! Why the hell did you kiss his hand?
JEAN
I dunno.
GEORGE
I call I get the next one.
They laugh.
26 -- Night -- The Street -- 26
It is snowing.
PAUL stands up.
PAUL
What the heck is with this night? I can't think of a worse thing that could happen.
He tenses up.
PAUL
Oh, man. Whenever they say that on sitcoms something bizarre happens.
Suddenly, a car looms up from behind him. Just before he gets hit, cut to...
27 -- Dawn -- Int. Bedroom -- 27
The phone is ringing.
JAMIE groans and gropes over to her end table. She picks the phone up.
JAMIE
Hello? Yes, this is she. Again? Yes, yes. We'll be right there.
She looks unconcerned as she mutters to herself.
JAMIE
Oh, Paul...
She walks out the door.
28 -- Dawn -- Int. Hall -- 28
JAMIE
Kids! Dad got in some kind of accident.
JORDAN
Again?
29 -- Morning -- Ext. Paul's House -- 29
The family walks out: JORDAN, JAMIE, and NATALIE. NATALIE, a little girl of about five, looks over at the boxes marked "X-Mas Lights".
NATALIE
Man! I can't believe dad didn't get the lights up!
The car pulls off.
30 -- Morning -- Ext. Neighbor's House -- 30
PAUL'S NEIGHBOR walks out of his house in a bathrobe, leaning to pick up the newspaper in the fresh snow. He looks over at PAUL's house.
NEIGHBOR (to himself, sarcastically)
Yeah, nice lights.
CREDITS ROLL
THE END
Extremely tight on a single green Christmas lightbulb, the camera zooms out to reveal that the Christmas light is hung on a tree next door to PAUL LEETS' house. It is, as most Christmas lights are, on a string of lights, draped with care on a pine tree. The whole NEIGHBOR's house is lit up. Zoom out very slowly as NEIGHBOR and PAUL talk.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Hey, Paul! Check out my lights. Just got 'em up. What do ya' think?
PAUL (V.O.)
Looks great, Steve. I'm just gonna get mine up now.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Think you're gonna top me? (chuckles)
PAUL (V.O.)
(laughing, obviously annoyed) I dunno, Steve. I got some pretty great lights planned this year.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
Still, I mean. Look at this. The electric bill will cost me a fortune.
PAUL (V.O.)
Well, we went for quality, not quantity.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You sayin' mine are of low quality?
PAUL (V.O.)
Course not, Steve. I'm just sayin', ours won't cost much, but it'll still be as fantastic.
As zoom out continues, a bird sits on the branch, then flies off.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
You'll need a great show to be as fantastic as me, Paul.
PAUL (V.O.)
(Chuckles) I think I've got it in me.
NEIGHBOR (V.O.)
(Skeptical) Good luck to ya'.
PAUL (V.O.)
Thanks, Steve.
Footsteps are heard in the snow, then Paul mutters.
PAUL (V.O.)
Freak.
Cut to PAUL, dragging out a cardboard box, labeled "X-Mas Lights".
A fresh snow is on the ground, and he is dressed very warmly. His house is well-lit, but the rest of the neighborhood is abound in all sorts of Christmas-y decorations.
He sets the box down with several similar other ones, on the curb. His house is in the background. He looks around at his neighborhood.
PAUL
All right, let's show this neighborhood how Paul Leets puts up Christmas lights.
Suddenly, MOBSTER 1 appears, dressed in all black and a ski mask, running at PAUL from behind. Seconds after he appeared and seconds before he would have hit PAUL, a van appears in front of the camera, its door is heard sliding open on the far side.
As MOBSTER 1 hits PAUL (off-screen) a grunt is heard from both parties. There is a thump as they both collapse into the van (for a second time, off-screen) and the van door slams shut (would ya know it? off-screen). The van peels off.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL
2 -- Early Night -- Ext. Street Corner -- 2
A quiet street corner, the only two people on it two LOVERS, holding hands and appreciating the snow.
The van slides wildly around the corner, screeching off-screen.
3 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 3
The interior of the van contains three MOBSTERS and PAUL. MOBSTER 2 sits at the wheel, MOBSTER 3 in the passenger side. The seats behind them are pulled down, leaving an empty space. PAUL is seen struggling to get out of the duct tape that MOBSTER 1 is deftly and quickly restraining him with. PAUL makes muffled sounds; duct tape has already been placed over his mouth. MOBSTER 1 continues to restrain him as MOBSTER 2 leans back to talk.
MOBSTER 2
(to PAUL, leaning back in his seat to look at him) So, Johny the Snitch. Good luck telling the police about this little endeavor.
PAUL makes a few muffled screaming noises, probably "What the hell are you talking about?"
MOBSTER 2
(gives a little chuckle) I thought you'd say that.
MOBSTER 3
Do I turn here?
MOBSTER 2
What? Here. Let me see the map.
MOBSTER 2 studies the map.
MOBSTER 2
Okay, no. Just keep going until you hit Joseph Boulevard, then you make a left.
MOBSTER 1 takes out from a dark corner of the van a large metal ball tied to a rope. PAUL looks at in fear.
4 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 4
Wide angle shot of a snowy bridge. The van drives pulls up.
5 -- Early Night -- Ext. Van -- 5
Low shot of the back of the van: the only thing seen is the van's tires and the bumper. A bumper-sticker reads "Life: It's a gift, not a choice" in a clearly pro-life demonstration. A mother is on it, holding a baby.
The driver's-side door opens, and MOBSTER 3 steps out, his feet the only part of him seen. The back door opens up and MOBSTER 1's feet steps out. MOBSTER 3's feet walk over to help him.
PAUL's feet come out, bound with duct tape and tied to the metal ball, he struggles. He is dragged to the left and off screen by MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3.
6 -- Early Night -- Bridge -- 6
High above the bridge, a 90-degree look down at a bird's eye view of MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 dropping PAUL into the river. He splashes down into the river, MOBSTER 1 and MOBSTER 3 rush back into the van and drive off.
7 -- Early Night -- Int. Van -- 7
The MOBSTERS all look satisfied as they drive off.
MOBSTER 1's cell phone rings.
MOBSTER 1
(picks up cell-phone) Hello? (pause) Who is this? (pause) Johny? Johny the Snitch? (pause) But didn't we just...?
He puts down the phone, not hanging up.
MOBSTER 1
Crap.
8 -- Night -- Underwater -- 8
It is very dark.
A school of fish is seen drifting on-screen before they dart off, alerted to PAUL's presence.
PAUL drifts on screen, thrashing at the chains dragging him down.
He sinks off-screen into the depths.
9 -- Night -- The River -- 9
A ship moves by, belching black smoke into the air.
10 -- Night -- Ext. Fishing Ship -- 10
CREW MEMBER 1 walks quietly along the boat, he is the only one on the whole deck of the dark ship. He takes out a cigarette, lights up, and casually exhales smoke rings into the night air.
He is bundled up in a dark coat, his face unshaven. He wears a dark hat, and has an overall disheveled look to him.
He casually glances around, looking at the banks of the river.
Seemingly satisfied, he whistles.
The ship is suddenly a mess of activity, men jostling around getting ready for the night's work: namely, fishing. Pan right, towards the back of the ship. Three men throw a net over the edge of boat, pulling it up to see some wriggling fish, they dump the fish on deck and other men struggle to grab their flopping forms to shove them into plastic grocery bags, which are in turn hastily stuffed into old cardboard boxes. Two men bearing hand trucks stack the boxes and bring them down below the deck.
The three men prepare for another haul, and this time they have difficulty bringing up their load, it is clearly weighed down by some unknown load.
Finally heaving it up, the bound form of PAUL falls to the deck with a thump. He is unconscious but alive.
No one on the ship bats an eye, their work not about to be disturbed by this. They continue their work.
Zoom slowly in on PAUL. With the hustle and bustle around him continuing.
Suddenly, a sharp whistle is heard. Cut to a wide-angle shot of the boat. A police siren is heard.
The crew panics, knowing they have been spotted. They begin tossing boxes overboard and throwing their nets over as well. Everything that could be potentially evidence they try to lose. CREW MEMBER 2 picks up PAUL and drags him down below deck.
11 -- Night -- Int. Fishing Ship Hallway -- 11
A crowded, harshly lit interior is seen. Crew members scramble about the narrow hallway.
CREW MEMBER 2 drags PAUL down the steps, not careful at all about his welfare. PAUL's head is bumped numerous times, perhaps a box of fish dropped on him in the confusion. PAUL is finally pulled into a doorway.
12 -- Night -- Int. Captain's Quarters -- 12
A sparsely furnished room: a table and a couch, a couple of maps strewn about. Beer bottles are everywhere.
CREW MEMBER 2 pulls PAUL in and heaves him onto a couch. PAUL opens his eyes and immediately begins to struggle to free himself from his duct tape bonds.
CREW MEMBER 2 rummages through a desk, finally pulling out a large, worn, flip-out fishing knife.
Cut to his hand holding it up. He presses a button and the knife flips out; switch focus to PAUL, whose face turns to panic as he lets out a muffled scream.
Cut to black.
13 -- Night -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 13
DIRECTOR'S NOTE: The next scene is a parody of the Saw movies and should be portrayed as close to the horror films as possible until the arrival of COP 2.
Still black.
COP 1 (V.O.)
(As if he is the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw movies) I want to play a game with you, Paul.
Harsh lights come on, revealing that PAUL is in a grimy, gray-green interrogation room. COP 1 is off-screen.
He tries to move, but a pair of handcuffs bind him to the chair, as well as leg-cuffs.
PAUL
(frightened) Why am I hear? What are you?
Pan left, revealing a Kermet the frog puppet (substituting for the "Billy" puppet used by the Jigsaw Killer), controlled by the off-screen COP 1, whos is not visible until COP 2 enters.
PUPPET (Voiced by COP ONE)
I would quite dearly love to explain myself, Paul, but we are pressed for time. You have spent your life fishing in polluted waters, and now we will see whether you are prepared to eat one of your own specimens.
The PUPPET reaches down below the table and brings up a fish. He places it on the grimy table in front of PAUL.
PUPPET
Eat up...
PAUL
(In a panic) WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS PUT UP MY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!
PUPPET
Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more.
PAUL
What? Why would eating fish make me grateful to live?
PUPPET
Uh... well, if you don't, electricity will flow through the handcuffs and kill you.
PAUL
WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYTHING?
PUPPET
Live or die, Paul, make your choice.
PAUL
How can I eat it if I'm chained? (struggles to move mouth down to the fish) I can't even reach it!
PUPPET
Well, then I guess you die.
The puppet moves over to a little switch on the table, preparing to flick it.
PAUL
No, please, don't! I'll... (the PUPPET continues towards the switch) NO! NOOOO!
Suddenly, the door opens, revealing behind it a bright, bustling police station. COP 2 stands in the doorway, looking at the scene in front of him. He holds a file folder.
COP 2
Fred! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
COP 1 stands up revealing all along that he has been controlling the puppet. He looks, embarrassed, at COP 2.
COP 1
Sorry. I just like to mess with them.
He gives a sheepish laugh and makes an awkward exit.
COP 2
Sorry 'bout that, buddy.
COP 2 looks into the file folder, reading over what PAUL has done.
COP 2
Ah... the fish merchant. We've been trying to nab you for quite a while. What's your name?
PAUL
Paul Leets, sir.
He looks around.
COP 2
Paul, eh? Would you like something to drink?
PAUL
Please.
COP 2
I don't have anything to drink. You know, you've been the captain of a boat that has been feeding people illegally fished seafood that were from poisoned, polluted waters. What do you have to say for yourself?
PAUL
What? I was just- Look, I was in the river, and I got fished!
COP 2
Why were you swimming in the river in the first place?
PAUL
I wasn't. I was drowning! I would've died!
COP 2
What? You can't swim?
PAUL
(struggling for the words) Mobsters! I got kidnapped by mobsters, who duct taped me, weighted me down, and threw me in the river!
COP 2
This is ridiculous. Look, you're under arrest, so-
PAUL
Wait! Please. Just... let me think. I just need a second to think.
There is a pause. Something dawns upon him.
PAUL
My neighbor! I was with him only a half hour ago; he was talking about the Christmas lights I was putting up. I couldn't have piloted the boat if I was with him.
COP 2
Fine. What's his number?
PAUL
343-668-3648
COP 2 writes it down. He goes to exit.
PAUL
Does that door lock from the outside?
COP 2
Yes... why?
PAUL
Could you do something about these cuffs? They're too tight, and it's not like I can escape anyway.
COP 2
Oh, he did those again? Sorry, they're normally not used. I'll get it.
He leans down and unlocks PAUL, and then opens the door. From the door, he delivers his line.
COP 2
I'll just call this guy. What did you say his name was?
PAUL
Steve. Steve Gates.
COP 2
Got it.
He exits
14 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 14
COP 2 enters the bustling police station from the interrogation room. He walks over to his desk. JANET, another cop sitting across from him, looks up with interest.
JANET
What's with the fish guy?
COP 2
I'm not sure. I'm gonna call this number he gave me, and then I'll see if he's telling the truth.
JANET
What's he saying?
COP 2
Something about mobsters or something. I dunno. He says he was framed, but he's either a terrible liar, or he's telling the truth. I mean, why would someone fabricate a story like this?
JANET
Well, call the number.
COP 2 picks up the phone and dials.
COP 2
It's ringing.
There is a pause.
COP 2
Yes, is this Mr. Gates? Yes, hello. My name is Allan Jones, I'm calling from the Fairview Police Station. No, no, nothing like that. We haven't actually seen your daughter here in a while, Mr. Jones. (He winks at JANET) Yes, you too. Keep up the good work. Anyway, we have a neighbor of yours down here, the name's Leets. Yes, Paul. About half an hour ago, did you see him? Where? (He writes something down) Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Gates. Merry Christmas. Bye.
He hangs up.
JANET
Well...?
COP 2
The story checks out. I'm gonna let him out.
JANET
Great.
She returns to her work. COP 2 walks back towards the interrogation room.
15 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 15
PAUL paces, nervous.
He mutters to himself.
PAUL
Am I really going to do this? Yes. I am. They'll never know. I'll be out of here in no time. I didn't even do anything. I can't do this, I just can't. Oh... what can I do?
He falls to his knees in agony, the door begins to open.
16 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 16
COP 2 opens the door and walks in.
COP 2
Paul, I've got some good news.
He shuts the door behind him.
17 -- Midnight -- Int. Interrogation Room -- 17
COP 2 walks in. He looks around.
COP 2
Paul?
Suddenly, PAUL rushes forward from the shadows behind the door. He grabs the officer's gun, raises it, and clicks off the safety catch.
PAUL
(smiling) That's right.
18 -- Midnight -- Int. Police Station -- 18
JANET is still at her desk, and the police station is still bustling.
The door to the interrogation room opens, and PAUL steps out, looking around.
PAUL
(muttering) Okay, okay... you can do this. Just stay calm.
He walks deliberately towards the door.
JANET looks up at him.
JANET
Who are you? Why are you wearing Al's uniform.
PAUL keeps walking, ignoring her.
PAUL
(to himself) Stay... calm...
JANET
Hello?
Suddenly PAUL reaches for his gun, raises it, and fires. There is pandemonium. JANET is shocked. PAUL sprints for the window.
PAUL
This kind of thing always works in the movies...
He leaps at the window. He bounces off with a resounding thud.
Moaning, he manages to run out the door.
19 -- Ext. Police Station -- Night -- 19
PAUL runs outside. He whistles.
PAUL
Taxi!
A taxi comes to screeching halt. He jumps into it. It peels off.
20 -- Streets of Fairview -- Int. Taxi -- 20
PAUL looks through the rear window, looking at the police officers in the street.
DRIVER
Whereto?
PAUL
Anywhere but here!
The driver grunts.
DRIVER
You got money?
PAUL
What?!
DRIVER
The "anywhere but here"-type never has any money. You got money?
PAUL frantically reaches into his pockets. A look of disappointment crosses his face.
21 -- Midnight -- Alley -- 21
The taxi screeches to a halt. Through strings of swearing, we can hear PAUL.
PAUL
Okay, okay. Fine. I'm going.
He gets out of the car, walking into an alley.
Two men are down on the other end of they alley. One is selling the other drugs.
PAUL
Oh, great.
They look at him.
PAUL
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Don't mind me...
He looks down at his uniform.
PAUL
Oh, come on...
The two men rip out guns. PAUL runs out of the alley.
22 -- Fairview -- Street -- 22
PAUL sprints away as the MOBSTERS follow him. He yells to the GANGSTERS.
PAUL
You don't understand! All I'm trying to do is put up my Christmas lights!
He runs down the street and spots a trolley, leaping onto it.
23 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 23
PAUL looks out at the gangsters, happily watching them retreat into the distance.
The trolley driver, JEAN, is behind him. No one is at the wheel of the trolley.
JEAN
Good evening.
PAUL turns around, surprised.
PAUL
Oh, hello.
There is an awkward silence. PAUL continues.
PAUL
Paul Leets.
He raises his hand for JEAN to shake, but JEAN takes it and raises it to his lips to kiss. PAUL is a bit nervous.
JEAN
Harris is the name. Jean Harris.
PAUL
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Harris.
JEAN
Please, Mr. Harris was my father. Call me Dr. Harris.
PAUL
Eh... shouldn't you be driving the trolley?
JEAN
Hardly. This thing drives itself. I just choose when to stop.
He wanders up to the front. PAUL follows. JEAN pats the trolley fondly.
JEAN
So. What brings you too my neck of the woods?
PAUL
Oh. Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say long story, but it has to do with me trying to put up Christmas lights.
JEAN
I understand completely.
There is a pause.
PAUL
To be honest, I didn't even know that Fairview had a trolley system.
JEAN is shocked
JEAN
What?
PAUL
I was just saying... I never realized we had a trolley here.
JEAN turns around, looking completely deranged.
JEAN
Ah... I suppose that is not an uncommon, in such a large city.
He begins walking back. PAUL backs away, groping behind him to avoid running into things.
JEAN
Wait, though. This isn't a large city! It seems, then, that you should know it exists.
JEAN rips out a switchblade. PAUL looks more frightened. They continue their journey backwards.
JEAN
But then again, it's only been around for a hundred and thirty years.
He flips out the blade.
JEAN
You're done, Leets. The Harris family has been driving the Fairview trolley for five generations. You insult us.
PAUL
I'm- I'm new to this town! I swear.
JEAN
You liar! You've been living here ever since you married Jamie, sixteen years ago.
PAUL (stammering)
How did you know that?
JEAN
Don't you remember, Paul? All those years ago...
PAUL hits the back of the trolley. He is terrified.
PAUL
WHAT?
JEAN (maliciously)
We've never met! I was just GUESSING!
He swings the knife, and PAUL leaps out of the back of the trolley. He falls to the ground.
24 -- Night -- Another Street -- 24
PAUL falls to the ground. He is clearly shaken up.
25 -- Night -- Int. Trolley -- 25
JEAN looks angry, and then begins laughing. His friend GEORGE pops out from under a seat. He is laughing also.
GEORGE
Dude, Jean! That was hilarious! Why the hell did you kiss his hand?
JEAN
I dunno.
GEORGE
I call I get the next one.
They laugh.
26 -- Night -- The Street -- 26
It is snowing.
PAUL stands up.
PAUL
What the heck is with this night? I can't think of a worse thing that could happen.
He tenses up.
PAUL
Oh, man. Whenever they say that on sitcoms something bizarre happens.
Suddenly, a car looms up from behind him. Just before he gets hit, cut to...
27 -- Dawn -- Int. Bedroom -- 27
The phone is ringing.
JAMIE groans and gropes over to her end table. She picks the phone up.
JAMIE
Hello? Yes, this is she. Again? Yes, yes. We'll be right there.
She looks unconcerned as she mutters to herself.
JAMIE
Oh, Paul...
She walks out the door.
28 -- Dawn -- Int. Hall -- 28
JAMIE
Kids! Dad got in some kind of accident.
JORDAN
Again?
29 -- Morning -- Ext. Paul's House -- 29
The family walks out: JORDAN, JAMIE, and NATALIE. NATALIE, a little girl of about five, looks over at the boxes marked "X-Mas Lights".
NATALIE
Man! I can't believe dad didn't get the lights up!
The car pulls off.
30 -- Morning -- Ext. Neighbor's House -- 30
PAUL'S NEIGHBOR walks out of his house in a bathrobe, leaning to pick up the newspaper in the fresh snow. He looks over at PAUL's house.
NEIGHBOR (to himself, sarcastically)
Yeah, nice lights.
CREDITS ROLL
THE END
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